She is in my trunk
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize