I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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