all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
