i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
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my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
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Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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