I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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