yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
