i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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