Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
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Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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