If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
