Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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