the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
