even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
