They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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