Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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