Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
