The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
