I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
