youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
