i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
