Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the condom got lost in my hair
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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