just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
