Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
