someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
