If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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