peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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