How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
