i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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