You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
