Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
