My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
