I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
