my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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