that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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