she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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