Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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