Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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