He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
