you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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