you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
