I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I deserve this hangover.
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