Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
