Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
