she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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