Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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