and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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