I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
