I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
