Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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