I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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