You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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