wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
