I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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