if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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