I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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