You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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