they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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