I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
