turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
